I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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