The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
