So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
