So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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