I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
