Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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