My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
