sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
