i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
