how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
