i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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