no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
