If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
