I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
