I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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