I just made out with a guy for $7.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
