the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
