When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
