if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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