I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
