Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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