So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
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I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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