You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
