After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
