there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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