God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
