did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
