I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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