Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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