Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
