a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
