dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
