my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
