So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
