Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
