God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
