not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
