you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
