Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
