I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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