I can feel you judging me through the phone.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
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Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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