WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
