hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
