I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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