She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
