I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
