Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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