if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
