So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
