Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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