Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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