okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
