I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
