I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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