I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
