look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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