but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
