I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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